I've been unexpectedly hearing from or bumping into, or seeing from a distance a lot of people from my past this summer. I feel like my capacity as a human being is being tested or as though it's my time to learn a big Life Lesson or perhaps that someone is playing a big joke on me. Or maybe, Life is simply tying up a few loose ends before I expire. Really, I think I may be crushed by a plummetting piano at any moment.**
Mike came to the table with the hard questions and the hard things to hear, and on some levels he was certainly justified in doing so. I don't think anybody ever really wants to hear something like, "Leslie? The girl who broke your heart? Fuck her" about themselves, or know that they're the story that gets told while sitting around a table in the early morning when mostly everyone has gone home from the party. I knew it anyway, but it's not lovely to hear. I felt okay during our conversation, but later I felt very sad. Sad, because I don't have any answers that are going to make him feel any better and at this point in my life, I'm not interested in making any bullshit excuses for myself.
When I heard from a particular old friend, I had a lot of things I wanted to say to him too. I felt like making him hurt. I wanted to ask him hundreds of questions and pick and pick and pick at him but I didn't. At first I thought I didn't stick it to him because I lacked the nerve but lately I think it's because I know there isn't anything he can say that will make me feel better about what happened. So if there's no answer that's ever going to be good enough for me, then the hard lesson to learn is that there is no point in dragging it out into the light and making everyone sick about it. And maybe it takes a little longer to rebuild because I don't ask those hard questions but I think that's the way it has to be. I don't have enough room in my heart to hold on to all these old things that hurt me, and it's a pretty hard lesson for me to learn to let go too.
So maybe the lesson Saturn wants me to learn from meeting Mike is that it's great if I'm ready to tear down interior walls, put up long ago, and be more open to what Life tosses at me - but not everybody else is. If there isn't any answer I can give that will be good enough to explain the things that I've done then the only thing left to do is to go on and act as honourably as I can.
* No, there’s no one else, I find,
To undermine or dash a hope
Quite like you
And you do it so casually, too.
- Nothing is Good Enough, Aimee Mann
** Over lunch yesterday, Evan suggested (I think, jokingly) that all this might be attributed to the phenomenon known as Saturn Returns. I asked my friend Lisa, who knows about such things, and she explained it because she is wonderful. Evidentally the longer it takes you to learn the lessons the cycle of Saturn is trying to teach you, the longer it lasts. I intend to hurry up and learn my lessons, I can't take much more of this weirdness. Also, I prefer this explanation to that of the falling piano.