I've lived in this place five months though I've spent very few daylight hours here. I kept a calendar too full of plans over the summer so I would know I was loved. I had not noticed how pretty my living room looks in the morning when the sun is on the floor, mirroring eighteen windowpanes. The tree outside is bending and sending rippling shadows through the sunbeams.
Something is using my stomach to practice an arsenal of Scout's knots; something is changing. I walked and walked to unknot myself. I want to be serene like I said I could (would) be, but oh, I am so not cool.
Then I saw my floor, remembered who I am, and for just two minutes, felt still.
I can't think of much to say that doesn't sound trite about an afternoon spent in the lovely, damp, autumn forest hiking with people you really care about. Maybe just that it was really great. (And maybe that I also should have tried one more time so all three of their faces were visible, ahhh).
I threw out the jade plant I bought the day we moved away. Like our towels and our bed, harbouring bad energy, belonging to another life - I didn't want to move it to this apartment anyway. It seemed stupid not to. None of this was the plant's fault. It came.
I treated the plant badly. I kept it in the most hostile environment I could think of. I neglected to water it, on purpose. Not like the African violets: dead because I forget. Still, it would not die.
I guess I was admiring the tottering baby with too much interest. The mother-in-law asked, "Do you have children of your own?"
The baby sipped her sippy cup while I considered my answer. If I had my own, I thought, would you not have heard a story about it by now? "No ... no, not yet." The truth seemed most appropriate.
"Well, not to worry. There's still lots of time left. You have lots of time."
I wanted to hurt her with the entire sordid tale. Instead, I pasted on a wide smile, hoping it resembled sincerity. I forced the lump in my throat down down down where it would not catch on anything when I responded, "Yes, lots of time."