You can't get there by bus, only by hard work, risking, and not quite knowing what you're doing. What you'll discover will be wonderful: yourself.
- Alan Alda
Christmas Day: My Dad is nagging me about the condition of the back steps on my building. "These stairs are a hazard! Why hasn't anyone shovelled them?! Who's looking after this building anyway?! Call your landlord and complain!"
Me, "Holy shit Dad, you're so uptight - what's the big deal, Dude? God."
Well, fuck that noise.
I started running on March 3, 2008. On that day I could barely run 2 minutes. In the spring I struggled through two knee injuries, made great gains in the summer, then had a horrifically inconsistent fall.
Tonight I ran 5K in 38 minutes, my personal best for both distance and pace.
And, it was pretty easy. That tells me a couple things. I would have been able to run the distance some time ago, I just didn't think I could. Also, I can run much faster than I was aware of. I can run faster than I ran tonight.
The other night, I told Fahrin that I was losing what I loved most about running - the way it makes me feel like I can conquer anything - and that it was about to become "just another thing that I do."
But it turns out I only needed to implement a new goal and hit it.
On March 3, 2008 what I did tonight was completely inconceivable. So I'm gonna self-congratulate all night and all day and right into next week, y'all. Maybe even into next year.
Take this, Haters!
* Clarification: He was teasing!!
I cleaned. The kitchen. It was a bad scene in there. I can't even remember the last time I saw the top of my table. But now it's good. I might even spend time in there cooking (ha-ha-ha).
For real though, I'm going to bake. Since it's Christmas, and all that. And I happened to find all the ingredients for macaroons when I cleaned out the cupboards. Trisha had sent me home with a bucket of cookies the other day, including macaroons (from my recipe!) and fuck me, they were really good.
Then I made something. Clean space = creative fingers. I should try to remember that.
I can't figure out how to take good pictures of these boxes. That gold circle used to be one of my favourite earrings until it self-destructed. Paul asked me what kind of reception I got with them. (Pretty good). Now it's in a Christmas present.
I liked that advice from 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff': If someone throws you the ball, you don't have to catch it.
And after a certain amount of clarification, the news that made me clean doesn't seem as tragic as I previously thought. Time will tell, or something like that. But it's nice to have a clean kitchen, anyway.
I remember my reaction when I heard this dialogue for the first time, replaying it over and over in my head for days and pushing at it like I would a blue bruise, to see if it would still hurt. It always did. It was a slap in the face, and it didn't sting any less last night.
Nathaniel: You hold onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well, let me tell you, it's not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.
David: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Nathaniel: What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you're alive. What's a little pain compared to that?
David: It can't be that simple.
Nathaniel: What if it is?
Bruises (Chairlift). I think this song became an iPod ad, which is annoying, but whatever.
- I've been on vacation this week.
- I purchased and wore the smallest jeans I've ever owned.
- I went to visit Trisha. It was awesome.
- I improved my run speed two days in a row.
- I met Fahrin for dinner at a new favourite place.
- I dealt with residual divorce issues (read: met with and paid more $$ to lawyers)
- I had a nice lunch with April.
- I got Christmas wishes in the mail and finished shopping.
- I started but couldn't be bothered completing refinishing my kitchen chairs.
- I thought about whether I would move in to Lisa's apartment when she leaves.
- I don't know the answer.
- I painted.
- I read.
- I lost someone special.
- I'm glad I tried, even if it hurts.
- I planned on a yoga class today and a visit to Leeanne.
- But I am hanging around home, watching the snow.
- It was a great week, mostly.
- I'd like it all a lot better if I weren't so sad.